Learning How To Talk In The Digital Age

Browse any of today’s TV market seminars’ brochures and you’ll need to run to the dictionary. Never before has industry speak been so convoluted. The thing is, you probably won’t even be able to find lot of these suspect words in the dictionary. They’re too new, too outrageous, heavy on slang or plain don’t make sense.

So, let’s come to terms with of some of the nonsensical new language and have fun in the process.

A la carte: A way to milk customers.
B2B: Hamlet, version 2.0.
B2C: A way to see money with binoculars.
Brand value: Future earnings.
Brainstorming: A group of people hiding from management.
Brand extension: Make the best with what one’s got.
Bits: Rhythm (or beat) in a digital form.
Byte: The programming portion of a TV station’s budget.
Buzzword: Words said to people to buzz off.
Cache: Money spent on the same things.
Cannibalizing: Vertical integration.
Cash Cow: TV execs in Cannes during MIP.
CCTV: Closed Circuit TV (as in China Central TV).
Clickable: A good-looking person.
Competition: Something that happened before deregulation.
Consume (as in television): Turn it on.
Cool: Something hot.
Deja-moo: Rubbish.
Dot channel: The unused portion of digital TV channels.
Docudrama: A dramatic documentary.
Dramedy: A dramatic comedy.
Digital: Two bits of information (a.k.a. “My 2¢”).
Download: Film, TV and music going to pot.
EBITDA: Short on cash.
Experience (as in online): Watching TV on a PC after eight-hours of work on that very same PC.
Experience (as in digital): Being burned with digital sales.
Economy of scale: A way to spend two bucks to save a buck.
Encoding: Paying to get some attention.
Firewall: Separation.
Flag: Indicator.
Floppy Disk: A prehistoric form of digital distribution.
Fiction: Eurospeak for drama.
Freemium: Limited free access and charge for special features.
FTA: Free to air.
Globalization: New term for monopoly and cartel.
Guerilla marketing: Religious fanatics going door-to-door.
Interactive: Chasing after the credit card you loaned to your kids.
Integrate: Preparing an alphabet soup.
IPTV: Television with great (or ipso facto) potential.
iPod: Trumped-shaped flowers (or ipomoea).
Junk food: TV ad revenues.
Matrix: Overlapping structures.
MBA: Master of Bankruptcy Administration.
Merger: An artificial way to get financing from Wall Street.
Mockumentary: Farce or false documentary.
Monetize: Taking money from the ATM machine.
Mobile content: Unhappiness with regular TV experience.
Mobile viewing: Passing time when there are no more text messages.
Memory stick: Forgetting what the TV biz is all about.
Navigation: Getting lost in cyberspace.
Net neutrality: Gays in the military.
Narrowcasting: Reaching a niche target as wide as possible.
Ownage: Successfully hacking someone’s computer.
Outsourcing: Passing the buck around.
Pwnage: Game speak for ownage, where a winner owns the game.
People meter: Short people (about 3 feet or one meter).
Pixel: The smallest part of an image.
Platform: The plank to dive from into the sharks.
Pod: A slang term for skipping TV commercials.
Q of S: Quality of service (like in a restaurant).
Revenue stream: Anything that comes in unexpectedly.
Reality show: A well planned program.
Risk reduction: The elimination of a layer of management.
Rich media: An expensive medium that is not well done.
ROI: A new bully on the block.
Sport: U.S. speak for games.
Show runner: Once, an executive producer.
Snail mail: Prehistoric way to send a get-well card.
Software: Upgrades that human brains need to be compatible with computers.
Smartcard: Notes left by spouses.
Solution: When companies don’t know what to do.
Social networking: Avoiding human contact.
Tweens: Aged between 10 and 12 years; who don’t need user’s manuals.
Tweets: The sound of a thought.
Touchscreen: Massaging a TV set.
U.S. football: Hand-held game.
Unique visitors: There by mistake.
Upload: Getting something off your chest.
Vertical integration: Selling to oneself.
Viral marketing: Reaching consumers when they’ve been weakened by the flu.
Walled garden: Restricting access.
Wi-Fi; Hi-Fi; High Five: High quality.